May insists destruction of Alderaan will stop Rebel Alliance once and for all

alderaanTheresa May has asked MPs to back her plan to destroy Alderaan, insisting it is the only way to defeat the Rebel Alliance.

With a debate at the Houses of Parliament expected to last all day, the new prime minister insists the case for destroying Alderaan is clear, despite opponents who claim innocent lives will be lost.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn who is against the bombing of Alderaan said, “You have to stop and ask yourself when you’re bombing the shit out of somewhere, are we still the good guys?

“Despite what the prime minister tells us, I guarantee this action will lead to the deaths of innocent civilians that could run into the thousands.

“Not to mention the fact that you can’t blow up an idea. This ‘bomb from a distance’ military action won’t defeat the rebel alliance, no matter what she says.”

alderaan1However, the prime minister reiterated her desire to break out her new super laser.

May told reporters, “We have looked at the intelligence and we know that bombing Alderaan with a massive laser will both destroy all rebel bases, and also act as a deterrent against any rebels who might be planning an attacking on us.

“I mean, once they witness the awesome power at our disposal, they will have no choice but to surrender to us.”


Courtesy of Newsthump – may have changed a name or one.

Political Correctness

There’s an annual contest at the Griffith University in Australia, calling for the appropriate definition of a contemporary term.

A few years ago, the term was ‘political correctness’.

The winning student wrote:

Political correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical minority, and rapidly promoted by mainstream media, which hold forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.

Happy Birthday

It was my daughter’s birthday last week and she shares it with the hardest man in the world.

Some Chuck Norris facts you may not know:-

  • When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris.
  • There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.FB_IMG_1470852444263
  • Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life.
  • Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet.
  • Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
  • Jesus may have walked on water but Chuck Norris can swim through land.
  • Fear of spiders is arachnophobia, fear of tight spaces is claustrophobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called Logic
  • Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
  • Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
  • Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck’s gas tank as a joke….that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
  • Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience
  • Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
  • When the Bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as Giraffes.
  • Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
  • Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake. After three days of pain and agony the rattle snake died
  • Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter
  • Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
  • When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.
  • The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs. Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.
  • Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
  • Chuck Norris can kill 2 stones with 1 bird.
  • Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
  • Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
  • The cure for cancer is Chuck Norris’ tears. Too bad Chuck Norris never cries.
  • Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
  • Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
  • Chuck Norris never needs a flash light, he just stares into the darkness and it moves out of the way.
  • They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
  • Chuck Norris’ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
  • Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people, then the grenade exploded.
  • Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
  • Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
  • Outer space exists because it’s afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
  • Chuck Norris doesn’t have Twitter, because he’s already following you.
  • In 370 AD, Santa Claus put Chuck Norris on the naughty list. Parents started buying children presents themselves in 371 AD.

Budget Through The Ages

“The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance”.


So said Cicero in the year 55 BC.


So what have we learnt in the last 2 Millennia?


Evidently nothing! (or in Moose speak ‘FUCK ALL’)



Economics – The Credit Crash Explained

Mary is the proprietor of a bar in Dublin . She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Mary’s “drink now, pay later” marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Mary’s bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Dublin.

By providing her customers’ freedom from immediate payment demands, Mary gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Mary’s gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Mary’s borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral

At the bank’s corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don’t really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation’s leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mary’s bar. He so informs Mary.
Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts. Since, Mary cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Mary’s bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms’ pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion euro no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government. The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Mary’s bar.

Now, do you understand economics in 2015?

Terror Alerts

massThe English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing..” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels …

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be all right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is canceled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.

— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

The Journey of a Man

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

Later I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.Moose with Rose

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am just looking for a girl with big tits.

The Tax System explained in Beer

Suppose that once a week, ten men go out for beer and the bill for all ten comes to £100.If they paid their bill the way we pay our taxes, it would go something like this..

The first four men (the poorest) would pay nothing.

The fifth would pay £1.

The sixth would pay £3.

The seventh would pay £7.

The eighth would pay £12.

The ninth would pay £18.

And the tenth man (the richest) would pay £59.

So, that’s what they decided to do.

The ten men drank in the bar every week and seemed quite happy with the arrangement until, one day, the owner caused them a little problem. “Since you are all such good customers,” he said, “I’m going to reduce the cost of your weekly beer by £20.” Drinks for the ten men would now cost just £80.

The group still wanted to pay their bill the way we pay our taxes. So the first four men were unaffected. They would still drink for free but what about the other six men? The paying customers? How could they divide the £20 windfall so that everyone would get his fair share? They realized that £20 divided by six is £3.33 but if they subtracted that from everybody’s share then not only would the first four men still be drinking for free but the fifth and sixth man would each end up being paid to drink his beer.

So, the bar owner suggested that it would be fairer to reduce each man’s bill by a higher percentage. They decided to follow the principle of the tax system they had been using and he proceeded to work out the amounts he suggested that each should now pay.

And so, the fifth man, like the first four, now paid nothing (a100% saving).

The sixth man now paid £2 instead of £3 (a 33% saving).

The seventh man now paid £5 instead of £7 (a 28% saving).

The eighth man now paid £9 instead of £12 (a 25% saving).

The ninth man now paid £14 instead of £18 (a 22% saving).

And the tenth man now paid £49 instead of £59 (a 16% saving).

Each of the last six was better off than before with the first four continuing to drink for free.

But, once outside the bar, the men began to compare their savings. “I only got £1 out of the £20 saving,” declared the sixth man. He pointed to the tenth man, “but he got £10!”
“Yeah, that’s right,” exclaimed the fifth man. “I only saved a £1 too. It’s unfair that he got ten times more benefit than me!”
“That’s true!” shouted the seventh man. “Why should he get £10 back, when I only got £2? The wealthy get all the breaks!”
“Wait a minute,” yelled the first four men in unison, “we didn’t get anything at all. This new tax system exploits the poor!” The nine men surrounded the tenth and beat him up.

The next week the tenth man didn’t show up for drinks, so the nine sat down and had their beers without him. But when it came time to pay the bill, they discovered something important – they didn’t have enough money between all of them to pay for even half of the bill!

And that, boys and girls, journalists and government ministers, is how our tax system works. The people who already pay the highest taxes will naturally get the most benefit from a tax reduction. Tax them too much, attack them for being wealthy and they just might not show up any more.

In fact, they might start drinking overseas, where the atmosphere is somewhat friendlier.

Moose Almighty © 2015 Frontier Theme