I hear that banks controlled by the public which do not lend the public money to the public will have to pay a fine using public money.

Ministers, in their ultimate wisdom, believe the only way to get the credit system moving again is to give billions of pounds to the banking sector and then threaten to take it back from them, bit by bit, in multi-million pound fines.

Chancellor Alistair Darling said: “We will use the money raised from the fines to recapitalise those banks that have been forced to pay very heavy fines. The banks must then use that money for lending and if they don’t they will be fined. We will then use the money raised from those fines to recapitalise the banks that have been fined and if they don’t lend that money they will be fined. Again.” Glad that cleared things up!

Mr Darling went on to say that those fines would then be used to recapitalise the banks that had been fined, before he was interrupted by a senior Treasury official. The chancellor was then wheeled into the corner of the room where a heavy woollen blanket was draped over his head.

Now, by all means please do stop me if I’m being a total and utter idiot, but if we control the banks and we know what the banks are supposed to do, why can’t we just tell them to do it?