The wife and I live next door to two lesbians. It was my birthday coming up and they kindly asked me what I would like as a gift.

Very quietly, so as not to sound too cheeky, I told them . . . .

I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex.

It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, “I wanna watch.”

GORDON Brown last night dismissed calls to surrender his £123,000 a year pension when he is forced to stop being prime minister next June.

Mr Brown was defiant in the face of City outrage despite the UK government’s annual operating loss of £100bn, rising to £1.5 trillion when the write-down of its banking assets is taken into account.

The prime minister said: “I’ve been building up this pension since I became an MP, it’s all completely legal and now you want to take it away because I’ve been catastrophically bad at my job and you’re looking for a scapegoat. What gives?”

He added: “Yes I’ve been in charge of financial regulation for 12 years, yes I encouraged the housing bubble, and yes I pissed billions up the wall giving pointless jobs to Labour voters, but I fail to see what any of this has to do with me being incredibly well off.”

Brown’s £3m pension pot is expected to cast the spotlight on the extravagant retirement packages of other failed politicians including Alistair Darling’s inexplicable £1.7m and the £1.5m awarded to John Prescott for being a national disgrace for 10 years.

Meanwhile Margaret Beckett has a fund worth £1.7m, and Tessa Jowell has £1m even though no-one has the faintest idea what either of these actually do.

Critics insist Mr Brown has a moral duty to hand back his pension fund as he will inevitably receive a multi-million pound advance for two volumes of eye-gougingly tedious memoirs which will end up in the bargain bucket at WH Smith within a fortnight.

Martin Bishop, head of pension rows at the Institute for Studies, said: “It’s a fascinating dynamic. The politicians blame the bankers, the bankers blame the politicians, and the ordinary taxpayer is down on all fours with a confused look on his face, being fucked at both ends.”

Tags: Alistair Darling, All Fours, Bargain Bucket, City Outrage, Faintest Idea, Gordon Brown, Housing Bubble, John Prescott, Labour Voters, Margaret Beckett, Martin Bishop, Moral Duty, Mr Brown, National Disgrace, Pension Fund, Pension Pot, Retirement Packages, Scapegoat, Tessa Jowell, Wh Smith

Cristiano Ronaldo escaped unharmed after writing of his Ferrari – rumours are that he dived from the car before it hit the barrier!

The first thing he said to the police was that the wall was not 10 yards away!

Alex Ferguson, meanwhile, is claiming that the Ferrari does not give Ronaldo enough protection.

Witnesses at the scene of Ronaldo’s crash say he was only lightly tapped from behind, when all of a sudden the car flipped and rolled over 10 times!!

Apparently witnesses in other cars who saw the incident, said that Ronaldo’s car was accelerating towards the tunnel, when it suddenly and inexplicable seemed to flip over, with absolutely no contact with any other vehicles. The police arrived, and immediately, following directions from Ronaldo, arrested the nearest car driver.

Police are investigating why a player voted the worlds best, and earns £140000 per week cannot take a corner.

“Anyway he was all right, he was walking, added the witness, confirming that Ronaldo is the only man in Manchester who can walk away from a massive car smash but spend five minutes writhing in agony if someone pulls his socks down!

Tags: Agony, Alex Ferguson, Car Driver, Cars, Crash, Cristiano Ronaldo, Ferrari, Five Minutes, Other Vehicles, Ronaldo, Ronaldo Cristiano, Rumours, Socks, Witness

For UK readers substitute President for Prime Minister.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, ‘What is Politics?’

Dad says, ‘Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.’

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with
the nanny.

He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, ‘Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.’

The father says, ‘Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.’

The little boy replies, ‘The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.’

Tags: Concept Of Politics, Deep Shit, Money, Prime Minister