When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

Later I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and am just looking for a girl with big tits.

Dr Laura Schlesigner is a highly regarded US radio personality. On her radio show recently she said that as an observant and faithful orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination, according to Leviticus 18:22. The following is a response letter to her.:

Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbours. They claim the odour is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? (she can read and write)
I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighbouring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify?
Why can’t I own Canadians? Aren’t all men equal?
I have a neighbour who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? Do you know of a good stoning parlour?
A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this?
Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?
Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.

I look forward to your comments and advice.

Best Regards.

James Brown.

My eldest daughter started secondary school last week. Not the school we would have preferred, not the nearest and not the school where all her friends were going.
The reason we could not get our preferred choice is that over the last 2-3 years neither myself or Mrs Moose has gone to church. You see, our nearest school is what’s called a ‘faith school’ and the governors, with the help of the local church, set the admission policy and will openly discriminate against children whose parents don’t go to church.
‘But it’s a faith school, doesn’t the church pay the running costs?’ I hear you say. I used to think so, but the answer is no. You (as a taxpayer) pay. Faith schools are state funded for 80-90% of the costs and that means YOU and ME!
You hear a lot these days about racism, sexism and ageism but not so much about ‘faithism’ which is just as deplorable. The church talks it up big about inclusion, forgiveness and community spirit, and if I was to go down to the local church this Sunday morning I wouldn’t mind betting I would be welcomed with open arms and encouraged to attend more. BUT, if my children want to attend their local school they are denied. Not because of their parents faith but on the evidence of church attendance (trust me, the two are not mutually inclusive).
I therefore conclude that faith schools are nothing but a recruitment tool for the church.
We are constantly told of the dangers of global warming and are encouraged to walk to school and avoid the high polluting school-run but all the time kids who live miles away get priority over my local school. There are actually some people who must pass up to four other schools to get to ours.
In Northern Ireland they have learnt that segregating children on the basis of their parents faith is probably not the best thing and are taking steps to set up community schools like there used to be here.
You would not exclude children from a school over the colour of their skin and I don’t see why religion should be any different.
Religion in churches and education in schools - it is that simple!

So, Heather McCartney does have a cat after all.

Last week Zoom, the discount airline, went bust. They blamed high oil costs and the credit crunch. They didn’t, of course, blame the fact that they were so desperate to undercut the ‘big boys’ that the prices they charged their customers were simply not enough to cover their costs. I may be doing their management a great injustice, but isn’t it nice to have the ‘credit crunch’ to blame.
‘In debt, it’s the credit crunch’. It’s not because you have spent £1000’s more than have been paid, and chucked it all on your credit card at 2000% interest.
‘Alastair Darling is an arse’. Oh, hang on, he’s not - it’s just the credit crunch!
‘Chelsea failed to beat Tottenham’. It’s that bloody credit crunch.
‘My house has devalued by 10% in the last year meaning I have only made a 200% profit in 12 years’ Bloody credit crunch!!!
‘I am fat, my children are misbehaving and kids are being stabbed in the streets’. Guess what, it’s that dam crunch thing again.
Everywhere you look in Britain today the ‘blame game’ is going on.
The best one to come up recently is that, apparently scientists have found a gene that is passed on by your obese parents, which means that you too will be fat. It has nothing to do with your addiction to lard kebabs with extra lard sauce and your complete lack of exercise. It’s the fault of nature.
You’re out of work - it’s the crappy governments fault, not yours.
No one ever takes responsibility for themselves or their mistakes it always the fault of someone else, and if this continues we will never learn and if we never learn we will never better ourselves.
By the way if you disagree with any of this - don’t blame me!